The Epilogue does not exist in my world.
…okay, I wish I could just leave it with that simple, succinct statement, but I can’t; the Epilogue makes me too queasy not to rant about a little.
Firstly, why was it written like a bad fanfiction? This is not the JK that I know and shower with adoration 24/7 – this is a pale imitation of her. Rumor has it that she wrote it at the same time as she wrote Sorcerer’s Stone, and it shows. God, it is so damn cheesy. The only good thing about it is that it distracted me from how devastating finishing the last book was; instead, I was just pissed off.
Secondly, the characterization of, oh, everybody was completely screwed up. Hermione would not have popped out two kids and settled for a job somewhere in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. As the brightest witch of her age, this seems like settling. Just saying. Ron… okay, Ron probably would work at Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes; I wish he’d stayed doing that instead of going and becoming an Auror with Harry – it was time for him to forge his own way without being HP’s sidekick. And everyone had like twenty kids when they were alarmingly young – Ginny had her first child at age 23 at the oldest, Hermione had hers when she was 25. That just doesn’t sound accurate given their characterization at all.
Most annoying, everything was wrapped up in a neat little package with a bow on top, as if every single aspect of a post-Voldemort world is kittens and rainbows and butterflies. Neville liked Herbology – how about that! He’s the Herbology professor now! Angelina Johnson married George – how convenient, since she went to the Yule Ball with Fred! Actually, pretty much everyone in the story is married to someone that they went to Hogwarts with… how many people do you know who discovered their future spouse before age 17 and never met anybody after that? Doubtful. Oh, but also, the Weasley family is apparently taking over every aspect of the wizarding world ever – Teddy Lupin is dating Victoire so they’ll probably get hitched and then Harry can be related to both the Weasleys and to Lupin and Tonks, and look how everybody loves each other! And worst of all: the names. Not only are they awful (James Sirius, Lily Luna, Albus Severus?!) but Harry’s bizarre forgiveness and sudden veneration of Snape just caps it all off. He named his child after a complete asshole who was obsessed with his mother. Really? Does nobody else find that mildly disturbing? Not to mention the fact that Harry says that Snape is the “bravest man he ever knew” – yeah, he was brave, but he was also someone who would have most likely continued to support Voldemort completely if Harry’s mom hadn’t been killed! NOT OKAY.
Lastly, let’s take a look at the final words of the entire series: “All was well.” Really? REALLY?
It pains me how much I hate this.
